“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Like many young girls, and women for that matter, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. (Sounds greatly philosophical, but I assure you it never really feels that way during the process.)  Many of the guys I dated, as I said before, lost interest somewhere along the way and started taking me for granted.  In retrospect, I don't think they were completely to blame.  Since I didn't know who I was I think I often tried to be whomever they seemed to want me to be.  It's no wonder they got bored of me because the person they were seeing wasn't the real me anyway.

Perhaps that is all a little confusing.  Lets skip to the point when I actually started to just be myself.  Now, truth be told, I am still trying to figure out who I am as a whole, and people constantly change as they get older.  What I am referring to here is the point at which I decided that I was going to say to a male population "This is who I am.  If you don't like it, I am not the one for you.  Please move on."  Harsh?  Not really.  In the end it was what really worked and got me the best man for me.

When I started working at my present place of employment, some four years ago, I still was a little confused.  I met my husband just days after starting my job (yes, we work together) and recall thinking "Here is a nice single guy, too bad he is not my type."  Over the next few months I became friends with several people at work, including my husband.  One of my co-workers had told me that, now that I was entering my 30's, I was finally going to be honest about who I really was, forget about looking for a guy, and then he would turn up out of the blue.  I didn't take much heed to what she said.  Let's face it, she married her husband in her early twenties after dating him for over 5 years.  However, she could not have been more right if she had had a crystal ball sitting on her desk.

My husband and I hung out outside of work, became Facebook friends, and talked often during coffee breaks; things that we did with others that we worked with too.  We both attended some local charity events and, since neither of us had someone to go with, went together.  It wasn't until my husband went on another one of his semi-frequent business trips that everything solidified for me.  Upon his return to work someone walking past my cubicle just happen to mention that he was back in the office.  Completely innocent of course, but my heart skipped a beat and I instinctively stood up to go see him.  Then I stopped.  A rush of successive thoughts entered my head; what are you doing? why is my heart pounding? why am I suddenly so happy? did I miss him? why would I miss him? do I like him? OMG I like him!

I sat back down.  When did this happen?  I must be imagining this.  I've got to see him.

So I decided to ask him if all the regular people from work could all get together for his birthday the following week.  Go out to dinner or something.  That would be a good excuse to go see him right away.  When I walked into his office he was wearing a three piece suit and my heart jumped. (Any girl knows that guys always look their best in a suit and their most snugly in comfy clothes, so you can imagine the reaction I was having.)  It must be noted that this is not standard attire for our place of work.  Apparently he had just come back from a funeral service (sad) that he had played at (he plays organ and piano) and thus the suit (happy).  Well, to shorten up the story a bit, with my heart all a flutter we made the birthday dinner plans.

The following week I showed up at his house after work only to find out that no one else was able to make it; they were either out of town on business or had children home sick.  We sat and talked for a long time, during which I flat out told him how I felt.  He responded later that evening on Facebook (I still make fun of him for this) and has claimed since that it was due to his shock that a girl would be so honest about her feelings up front.  Since we did go out to dinner that night we decided to call that evening our first official date.  On our second date I asked him what his "make or brake" list consisted of.  We proceeded in an almost half business half date fashion discussing everything from pet peeves we could never live with to how many children we would want and when.

With all that hard core detail out of the way we finally addressed the issue of working together and dating.  Our company policy was that HR must be informed to ensure there would be no conflict of interest.  Given that we worked in different departments and neither of us had to answer to the other we were pretty safe, but decided to wait two weeks and then tell our boss.  No need to stir the pot if nothing heated up and we decided to just be friends.  Well, after two weeks we walked into our bosses office (a mutual close friend by the way) and broke the news.  She was stunned and excited, but had no qualms.  We asked to keep our relationship quiet in order that we would not draw attention from other staff, to which she agreed.

Three months later we decided to let the cat out of the bag subtly; I wore my engagement ring to work and waited to see who would notice and how fast the news would travel.  That was actually kind of fun!  Even though some people thought we were moving things rather quickly we knew that we had discussed all the important issues upfront, so there were no misunderstandings once our emotions really took hold.  We truly built out relationship on a foundation of honesty and openness.  One of the great things about my husband is that he truly loves me for who I am, and not who he wants me to be.  Which makes me love him for who he is even more.

FBM

“I believe that everything happens for a reason... Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Alright, I'm on a MM quote kick.  I kind of like linking her quotes to my posts, if I can find one relevant enough.  We will see how long it lasts.

Since the last couple posts could leave many people thinking I am a guy basher, or simply cynical, I thought I would write a little about the good guys I've come across in my life.  In my typical organizational fashion I think it best we work chronologically.  First, of course, would be my father.  He is a broad, not fat, tall man of over 6 feet with a very gentle face and demeanour, despite his strong presence.  He very rarely yelled at us as children, and while he can be loud it is usually in a boisterous manner or because he is singing at church.  He worked a lot for not a lot of pay, but made sure we were all taken care of.  We didn't get to spend a lot of time with him as children because his weekends were filled with maintenance around the home.  I learned to go find him and sit a talk to him while he worked. As I got older he let me help him a little.  Since he did his best to do all the house hold repairs himself, I actually learned a lot that way.  Taught me that books are wonderful resources, libraries have lots of free books, and it costs less and you learn more by doing something yourself than to pay someone to do it for you.

The next really great guy I knew, and still know, was my best friend from high school.  It was only in retrospect that I realized what a good loyal friend he was, which just goes to show that you never really appreciate what you have.  We hung out with the gang at lunch time, had similar classes, did homework together, went to the same parties, regular high school type stuff.  When ever the other kids were giving me a hard time he was there to talk to and the few times I had to deal with a break up he would console me.  I think he was really hurt when he found out I was pregnant and wondered why I hadn't gone to him when I the relationship went really bad.  He was the one person I found it hardest to tell, aside from my family.  As a true blue friend he offered to take his older (and very large) brother and teach the guy a lesson or two.  He claimed it would make us both feel better, but I never consented.  I think it was after we graduated that I found out he had a crush on me all through high school.  He wondered how I never knew considering he would always call me about homework but never have it done the next day.  As an objective reader I am sure it seems kind of obvious to you as well but I was quiet oblivious.  I just didn't like him that way; once I thought I did, but I quickly realized it was just wishful thinking.  It is true that you can't change the way you feel, which made it easier to understand when I was on the other end of the equation later on.

In university I tended to hang out with the guys more often than the girls, probably after being jaded by the way girls acted in high school.  The ones that I could consider friends were more direct and honest about things.  Twice in university I found myself at the other end of that terrible equation where I liked a guy who really, truly just wanted to be friends.  There were also the guys who worked at the bar with me.  I was a little intimidated by the big bouncer guys at first but quickly found most of them to be teddy bears at heart. The second year I worked there I became assistance manager, which meant a lot more responsibility and authority.  I often had to kick drunk people out of the bar, people you might see the next day in class, and really appreciated the support those guys gave me.  Often I would see them in the back ground just watching in case I needed a little muscle backup.

It may not seem like it from the outside, but a job like that can be dangerous.  If you don't have the support of the bouncers they could leave you hanging out to dry in a bad situation or simply not respect your authority.  I recall vividly the first pub event my boss let me handle alone.  It was being sponsored by the student union who had arranged for a WWF style wrestling event in the pub.  I even think Honky Tonk Man was there.  Anyway, they had this huge ring set up in the middle of the pub and the wrestlers would come out of the back, like on t.v., and get the crowd all riled up depending on if they were intended to be the good guy or the bad guy.  This one wrestler came out and started harassing the crowd and really seemed to be getting in this one guys face.  As I stood there horrified, the patron on the far side of the ring from me stood up and took a swing at the wrestler...THE WRESTLER! None of the door men moved.  All I could think was "oh shit!" and started running over there...yes...think about that one...I was running over to break up a fight between a wrestler and a guy who thought he could take on a wrestler.  Luckily Blaine, the bouncer on the far side of the ring, saw me bolt and, afterwords, told me he thought "oh shit" and ran too catapulting himself over a couple guys and getting the shocked wrestler in a head lock.  Once Blaine had moved the other bouncers took off too.  By the time I was there I simply needed to take care of crowd control, thank god, because I don't know what I would have done.  After the night was over the bouncers all told me they thought it was part of the show until I bolted.  Their quick moves stopped the fight from turning into a brawl because friends on both sides were ready to jump in. In any supervising job I've had I have worked with the motto "never ask someone to do something you are not willing to do yourself".  I think people see that and it gains respect for you, your authority and your leadership.  If those guys hadn't respected me, I'd probably... well who knows what would have happened.

The final good guy, or I should say the best guy, is of course my husband.  I will leave the story about him for later because I think he deserves a post all his own.  It is true, however, that all the good guys and bad guys I met before my husband made me realize quickly that I had found not only a great guy, but The Guy.

FBM              

"All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.” ― Marilyn Monroe

My son, who is only six months old, was watching two six year old girls in a near by booth at the restaurant the other day.  He was sitting in his high chair eating lunch but kept glancing their way as he saw them playing.  As he was finishing up I suddenly hear a little voice near me say "Can we meet your baby?" and look up to see the two little girls standing there.  TY promptly pushed away his bottle and let them have a great big smile.

While I do not believe my son is a player (or will ever be) he certainly knows how to attract the ladies, even at his young age.  There are always those young adorable little boys that the young girls seem to flock to and adults find so cute.  Sometimes these boys receive far too much attention and once they get a little older their egos seem to grow right along with them.  I knew far too many of these boys when I was young.  They all had friends too, none of which were very nice.  One such boy actually thought it would be funny to feign interest in me and passed me a note one day asking me out. In the note he told me that I should call him that night at home so we could talk.  This was in elementary school of course and due to the small class I understood that, even if any boy liked me, he would be committing social suicide to admit to it; especially on paper.  I thought I'd be smart and call him to tell him off.  I even told another girl what I planned to do.  Alas, he was at a hockey game and found out I called, assuming I had fallen prey to his joke.  The tormenting lasted what seemed like forever.  When I looked for support from the one person who knew I was wise to them, she claimed I had said no such thing, clearly gaining more approval from her lie than popularity from the truth.

That is how girls can be though; conniving, and deceitful at times, as I found out over the years.  Boys are better than girls in at least that one facet.  Boys are straight up when they don't like you or are mad at you.  A boy will tell you to your face that you are being a jerk, maybe punch you for it, and move on as friends.  Girls, not so much.  There has only been one instance that I almost punched a girl.  I don't know why she hated me so much, but she acted like a friend until I found out the things she had done behind my back.

In high school I mentioned to having three boyfriends.  It turned out that one of them was fake.  No, I did not imagine him, make him up, or be mistaken about him being my boyfriend.  Okay, the last one is true.  You see, that girl I mentioned apparently did not trust her boyfriend and thought he was going to leave her to go out with me.  I would somehow go along with this?  She enlisted a friend of hers from another school, who she knew that I liked, to ask me out and date me until she was secure with her boyfriend again.  Then he broke up with me.  I don't think any of the people involved in that mess ended up together.  If she had talked to me directly she would have discovered that I never liked her boyfriend in the first place so all that deceit was for nothing.

Unfortunately, this same girl took it upon herself to be my publicity committee when she found out, from the father, that I was pregnant.  Needless to say she conveniently did so well before I was ready to tell anyone.  Thank goodness I had a few good friends who told her where to go when she approached them.  Sad thing is that many close friends were also lost because they didn't like hearing such news through the grapevine and felt betrayed by me not telling them myself.  As time went by I was able to patch up things with these people but we were never as close as we were before hand. I never talked to that girl again.

It is funny how fast people mature at university.  I suppose it has something to do with living on your own and having more responsibilities.  I think many girls mature faster than boys (not all, but many).  As I said, I dated more in university and really got to know what kind of guy I was looking for.  In my freshman year guys seemed big on the pickup lines.  My favourite was when this guy approached me in chemistry lab and commented that he had seen me on a magazine cover, hadn't he? 

I worked at the campus pub for the last two years of school and got to know the groupers (see last post) from a long way off.  I came in early before my shift one day to grab a bite and this guy I had seen around campus came and sat beside me.  Started suspiciously chatting me up. Nice weather we are having, eh? Am I enjoying my classes? Am I finding my way around campus alright?  Around campus? This last one took me back and I stopped for a second.  "I would hope so since I have been here for three years."  He took a quick look at me, got up and left.  Just as I thought, a frosh chaser.  One of those lovely guys who prey on the unknowing freshmen.  Be a nice guy, show them around, no intentions, right?  It is such a high school gag and so grouper.            

FBM

POF or Just a Whole Lot of Grouper?

Before you meet my son, I think I'll take a break from the mommy talk and write about something different. 

This morning I came to find out that my husband of a year and a half was still on Plenty of Fish.  I was shocked to say the least and quipped "When you told me I was your prettiest wife I thought you were trying to make me feel better about a bad hair day, not make a confession!". 

Truth is we both laughed, though he does often tell me I am his smartest wife, or his prettiest wife, or some other similar compliment.  (I usually just tell him I feel bad for his other wives then.)  The discovery made me think about past relationships though.  Between my siblings, in-laws and my husband I often feel like a bit of a tart, to put it kindly, in comparison.  My brother and sister both married the second person they ever dated.  My in-law siblings are of the opinion that you don't even hold hands until you think the relationship is long term (a sentiment I find very endearing in the best sense of the word).  Even my husband says I am only his second girlfriend, which is why we talk little of our past relationships.

When it comes to my romantic history there is a bit more to tell and a few interesting stories with that.  I asked my husband once if he was ever curious about my previous beaus and he said he was satisfied simply that I chose him in the end; with heart felt statements like that I wonder why.  Well, while I wont go into gory details, my husband will surely hear some new stories should he read this.

I had my first boyfriend in grade nine at the age of fourteen.  While there were some teens already sexually active at that point, I was still at the stage of giggling and passing notes.  He didn't attend my school and in fact non of the boys I dated in high school did.  The fact is that I was pretty much a social outcast in elementary school; rarely invited to girls parties and made fun of by the boys.  With a class size was no larger than twenty kids that makes you an outcast and prey to many mean jokes.  Majority of these kids continued on to the same high school as me and, since the teens from other schools didn't know me, the segregation continued when it came to the opposite sex.  I only dated three boys in all of high school, ending of course with RD's father (a term I use rather loosely).

When I moved away to university things changed a little.  I was in a new dating world, and a bigger pond if you will, where no one had any immature predetermined opinions about me.  At the same time I was trying to find a guy who would contradict my predisposition that all men (let's face it...boys) were groupers.  A grouper is a type of bottom dwelling fish.  While the name is coincidentally similar to the word "groper", another distasteful member of the male species, I feel the grouper better defines the type of scheming guys I often encountered. By definition a grouper is "typically having a stout body and a large mouth (and) are not built for long-distance... swimming...They swallow prey rather than biting pieces off it. They do not have many teeth on the edges of their jaws, but they have heavy crushing tooth plates inside the pharynx... They lie in wait, rather than chasing in open water...their mouth and gills form a powerful sucking system that sucks their prey in from a distance..."  Sound familiar to any of you ladies?

I don't know how many guys "sucked me in" and led me to believe they were either of good intentions, or at the very least interested in more than just a physical relationship.  Few made it past the "oh, by the way I have a child" test.  One of my good guy friends (one of those good ones that just didn't "like me that way") asked me why I told them up front about RD and claimed I was trying to scare them off.  I told him that if they were really interested in me it wouldn't scare them off and that I would rather be upfront than waste my time.  I went out on a few dates, often resulting in the guy thinking he was owed something by the end of the evening; funny what they think a couple drinks is worth.  I had my share of the more sustaining relationships, but those all followed the same pattern; loving and devoted, comfortable and optimistic, takes you for granted but still optimistic, MIA.

Going to have put a "to be continued" right there.  Little one is up and we are off to the pool today.
Maybe later I can post some dating anecdotes. 
Talk at you later!
FBM