After getting use to the paxil I began to feel a little more cheery. The school year came to a close, my marks were looking up and I was heading home to spend the summer with RD. Unfortunately, I soon found out that I had not been accepted into residence the following year and was forced to find last minute accommodations off campus. I had a car, so that was helpful, but it also limited where I could live as parking was essential. I ended up finding a basement apartment to be shared with one other student. It was excessively small; two bedrooms, a kitchenette and a small bathroom. The other student was a lovely girl, but we had conflicting schedules and no common room to sit in so I barely saw her.
The situation forced me into isolation. I tried to spend time on campus but quickly lost touch with the spontaneous activities of friends. The library was at least a place where there were other people, but to see the others studying together only emphasized the fact that I was alone. I eventually spent a lot of time in my bedroom, which was pretty dark being underground with only one tiny window. I felt secure there for a while, like a child hiding under the covers of their bed hoping the bad feelings would pass. Believe it or not I had a boyfriend at the time, but we had been dating for over a year and he had slipped into the habit of taking me for granted and only calling me when his friends were busy.
Eventually I actually started thinking about what would happen if I took two of my pills at a time; would I feel better? Maybe that was what I needed, just a higher dose. The thoughts quietly came in and out of my mind like the tide, gradually getting unnoticeably worse. What if I took more than two? What would happen then? How long would it take for someone to notice I wasn't in class? How long before my friends realized that I had not called? What about my boyfriend, would he care? Would he even notice? How long would it be before someone noticed I was gone?
Of course my family would have known within 24 hours if I didn't answer the phone for my nightly call with my daughter. The landlord would notice once the rent was due, or my roommate once she got home from classes. The obvious things don't seem so obvious when you are depressed though. I knew I was in a bad place so I called my mom really late one night and she made the four hour round trip to bring me home. She asked me what was wrong during the car ride and I simply told her, between the tears, that I was just really sad and needed to come home.
I made more of an effort after that to quietly seek out company and not to be alone. If I couldn't go home on a weekend I would find people to hang out with on campus, or go to the mall and talk to the staff in the stores. I started having lunch at the campus pub and making friends with the staff there. I would find anyway I could to be around and interact with people without having to flat out admit that I was afraid to leave myself alone with myself.
I reapplied to residence for the following year and got in. I also started working at the campus pub. By January of that year I decided that I didn't want to be fighting against myself with these antidepressants. I didn't want them around me in case I started to wonder how many I could take again. Strangely enough, the biggest reason I didn't want to be taking the pills anymore was because I didn't want to HAVE to take them anymore. It really bothered me that I might have to take some type of medication for the rest of my life. So I stopped. One day I just decided I wasn't going to take them and I through them away. My room mate found out and got very upset; "You can't just stop taking something like that!" My doctor had a similar reaction, insisting that I needed to be slowly taken off such medication. The doctor looked at me with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, then asked how long I had been off them and how I was feeling. The truth was, much better.
I have not had any relapse since then, but I remember what it feels like. Only once, many years ago, did I start to have the same hopeless, trapped feelings, but I recognized them quickly and removed myself from the situation. Antidepressants worked for me for a little while, but I think I had some things I just needed to deal with as well. Later, when I did a little research into them, I realized how dangerous it really was that I simply stopped taking the pills. Even more dangerous though, was the self induced seclusion that I started employing as the depression settled in. If my room mate had not noticed the first signs with the insomnia and loss of appetite and sent me to the doctor I may have been much worse off.
It is really important not to let someone segregate themselves if you think they may be suffering from depression. If someone seems a downer to be around, try to figure out why first before you start excluding them. Most of all, it is important to know that real depression is beyond their control. It is actually a chemical problem in their brain and they need help. If you have feelings like you are alone, when you are around a lot of people, if you feel like you could scream and go unnoticed, just scream. Honestly - SCREAM! You'll see that a lot of people will notice you and one of them, someone who is or will be a friend, will help.
FBM
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